


Useless Warrior Gay Seeks Male Ally

by Shespitsfire



Category: Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Cassandra & Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider Friendship, Cassandra and Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider are Like Siblings, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Lesbian Cassandra (Disney: Tangled)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:48:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25195699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shespitsfire/pseuds/Shespitsfire
Summary: Cassandra can't flirt.Eugene can't watch.(Mid-Season 2)
Relationships: Cassandra & Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider (Disney), Cassandra & Rapunzel (Disney: Tangled), Cassandra/Original Female Character(s), Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider & Lance Strongbow, Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider/Rapunzel
Comments: 15
Kudos: 66





	Useless Warrior Gay Seeks Male Ally

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eleonorastay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eleonorastay/gifts).



Usually, Cassandra’s dreams woke her violently; gritting teeth, muscles spasming from tension, garbled half-sentences shouted into the still night air. Tonight her eyes took their time blinking the caravan into focus, body sunken into the worn-out mattress.

The variety was very much  _ not  _ appreciated. 

Flexing her shoulders carefully, she squinted towards the bunk across the cabin. Rapunzel’s curled-up form breathed in an easy sleep. In the mass of braids, twists, and tangles, Cassandra could barely make out a flash of green, also slumbering peacefully. 

It had been a long day, ending with dinner at the _Rubba-Dub-Pub_ owned by a pair of sisters with whom Rapunzel had, as usual, gotten along famously. Cassandra was almost jealous of how easily sleep came to the kind of people who liked other people. 

Not that disliking people was the cause of her current problem.

Quietly as she could, the warrior slipped out of bed. Sweaty hands-- _ because of too many blankets in her bunk, obviously-- _ unlatched the creaky caravan door, jarring it open as little as possible to fit her lean form. 

And then she was out in the crisp night air.

Cassandra leaned heavily against the door; her breath came in a rush as the coolness salved her heated skin. Above, the night sky positively beamed with cheerful, winking stars. She studied them, and probably would have until morning came, if not for the short cough behind her. 

Instinctually, she whipped around, knife in hand. Eugene flung himself backward to avoid the sharp pointed steel with a comical yelp. 

“Geez, woman, it’s just me! Night watch, remember?” 

Reluctantly she let the knife drop, though the tension throughout her upper body remained. “Sorry.”

The annoyance in his forehead softened somewhat, although he did her the dignity of looking back into the fire before asking, “Rough night?” 

“No. Just tired.” 

A sassy comment about her weirdness ( _ if you’re tired then why aren’t you sleeping…)  _ was already sparking on his tongue when, in the glint of the fire, he saw a blush of pink creeping up Cassandra’s neck.

_ What. Is. That. _

“So,” she commented, “how far are we planning to go tomorrow?” 

“Well, actually, Blondie asked if we could stay another night. She just really got along with those drinking gals.” He barely managed to contain the incredulousness in his tone as Cassandra’s cheeks darkened. “You know when she bats those long lashes, it’s not like I could say-- ”

“It’s not like I care!” With a very out-of-character lack of grace, Cassandra flung the door of the caravan open and dove inside. 

Chin falling slowly into his hand, Eugene considered what had just happened. 

* * *

“There’s no other option. Clearly, she’s in love with me.”

Eyes rolling so far he might as well have been interviewing his cerebrum, Lance sighed, “Just because the girl had a red face in your presence does not mean she doesn’t still despise you. It was probably heartburn.” 

“Yeah, heartburn-ing with love! Gosh, it all makes sense now--the cruel comments, the emotional avoidance, all those times she tried to trip me during the trek!” Chomping loudly on the apple serving as his breakfast, Eugene shook his head. “Oh man, and knowing I could never return her affections? What a rough road to walk, the path of loving a man already soul-mated! But you know she seems the jealous type, so it’s weird how she’s latched onto Rapunzel so much...” 

“Speaking of latching on to Rapunzel…” Lance glanced over his shoulder, making sure the girls were still on their morning walk and nowhere near by to overhear the discussion. “Your theory would carry a lot more water if you reassessed the object of her potential affection.” 

One hand came up to shade Eugene’s narrowing eyes. “Say again?”

With an air of practiced nonchalance, Lance liberated the apple from his best friend’s grasp and took a big bite. “No way that girl isn’t into your girl.” 

Stealing his breakfast was an act of kindness, Eugene supposed, because had anything been in his mouth, he would have been choking to death. “ _ Cassandra?”  _

“Yup.” 

“And  _ Rapunzel _ ?” 

“Is what I said.” 

“ _ They’re sharing a sleeping space!”  _

“I’m not saying it’s a two-way street. In fact, Cass is most likely stuck in the worst cul-de-sac ever in matters of the heart: unrequited love.” 

Eugene glared at him. “That was  _ my _ metaphor. You just stole my metaphor!” 

When Rapunzel and Cassandra broke through the trees, Eugene jumped up and said a bit too cheerily, “Okay, let’s head out! Gotta get my hands on more of that  _ Rubba-Dub-Pub  _ pecan pie!” 

“Mmm, it was good. It would be a shame to leave without getting some for the road!” Rapunzel offered him a kiss on the cheek, feeling a rush of joy as her show of affection melted the tension in his shoulders. 

“Do we have to go to the pub again?” 

“Hm?” Rapunzel tilted her head at Cassandra’s bitter expression. “I thought you liked it there. You were having a great time last night.” 

Cassandra crossed her arms, nails digging into the fabric of her shirt. “I just don’t see why we have to go to the same place over again. It’s not like we’ll ever see them again after this -- prolonging the goodbye will only make it more difficult.” 

“We thought we’d never see Angry or Red again, too,” Lance pointed out. With a short kick, he sent the apple core from his earlier snack into the forest brush. “Besides, I’m famished.” 

Rapunzel leaned towards her best friend, searching her eyes with concern. “It’s just one more meal. It’s not going to slow down our journey, I promise.” 

To Eugene’s confusion, her proximity to Rapunzel’s cute little button nose didn’t make Cassandra turn red again. The warrior just sighed and nodded; even the bright grin she got in return, which would have sent  _ him  _ into giddiness if he was in Cassandra’s position, did seemingly nothing. 

_ Maybe I imagined it. Maybe she doesn’t have a crush on anyone.  _

“Unrequiiiiiiiteeeeeeed,” Lance stage-whispered in his ear, shirt-shining another apple pulled seemingly out of thin air. 

* * *

The pub was just as busy in the early afternoon as it was in the night. Cassandra heaved her millionth heavy sigh at the sight of various horses, caravans, wagons, and donkeys littering the field beside the stout brick building. Rapunzel ran ahead to coo over the animals, while Eugene and Lance took way too long trying to parallel park their own mode of transportation. 

“We should let Max and Fidella out of the harness!” Rapunzel called over her shoulder, scratching the chin of an ancient horse that, Cassandra noted with unease, seemed like a mere trip up the road would be too much for. “It’s so bright and sunny today, they should get to explore! You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Max?” 

“It’ll take longer to get everyone together for us to leave,” Cass muttered, trying and failing to keep the whine out of her voice. Unperturbed, Rapunzel took hold of her arm and dragged her towards the door.

“Let’s get some food in you and make those grumpies go away!” 

“There’s not enough grub in the world,” Eugene muttered. Cass whipped her head around to snarl in his general direction. “Well, now you’re just proving my point.” 

* * *

The inside of the pub was crowded with people, happily sipping from colorful glass cups or chomping on thick sandwiches. A skylight in the ceiling draped the room in golden light. Rapunzel’s abundance of hair and bare feet gathered quite the few wide eyes, Cassandra noted, putting her on high alert. The tension heightened the closer they got to the main bar. Two women, one in a red tunic and the other in a flouncy apron, bickered loudly over the general din. 

“Hey, guys!” Rapunzel shouted cheerily, waving with the hand that wasn’t clamped around Cassandra’s elbow. Almost in unison, the women turned.

“Hey, you’re back!” The younger woman in the apron (Tansy? Posey? Cass couldn’t recall) leaned over the counter to throw one arm around Rapunzel’s shoulders. The next hug thankfully skipped Cassandra in favor of Lance, who sent the girl into giggles by lifting her over the counter entirely. “We thought you’d be moving on!” 

“Like we could without getting another piece of that pie!” Eugene elbowed his way past a table of shrieking kids to join the group. “You really know how to bake ‘em, Rose!” 

Twisting both hands in her apron, Rose beamed at the compliment. Her sister behind the counter leaned forward with a grin. 

“We’re glad that you enjoyed it enough to stay.” 

“Thank you, Anne--” Eugene’s voice dropped in shock. Once again, a blush had crept up Cassandra’s neck. Rapunzel and Lance didn’t seem to have noticed, but there it was. His eyes darted back and forth between Cass and the older pub sister, who -- was it just him? -- had her eyes locked on the warrior woman. 

“Everyone’s food looks so delicious!” Rapunzel finally released Cassandra’s arm to clasp both hands under her chin. “Could we get a lunch menu, please?”

“Of course!” Rose reached into the front pocket of her apron, producing two scrolls. Eugene took the opportunity to beckon to Lance that  _ something very interesting was happening  _ but found his best friend’s attention was occupied instead by an abundance of sandwich options. 

“How long are you staying?” Anne drummed both hands on the countertop. 

Eugene cleared his throat to answer, but Cassandra beat him to it. 

“Just for lunch.” 

Was it just him, or was the pub-woman smirking? “Not long at all, huh?”

“Nope.” 

The back of her neck looked like it was sunburning; he had to do something before she noticed it and did something stupid to kill his one chance to confirm whether he was actually seeing what he thought he was seeing. 

“Wow, ya know what, I think we left our wallets in the caravan! Come on, Cas _ san _ dra.” By the ease it took to drag her out of the pub, he suspected she’d been hoping for an escape. “Seriously, what is wrong with you?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Huffing, she crossed both arms and glared at him. “I have my wallet on me--” 

“That is  _ not  _ how you flirt with a woman!” Eugene ran both hands through his hair dramatically. “I knew that you were used to men running from your general direction, but she’s clearly interested--you should be able to work with a situation like this!” 

Cassandra’s expression wouldn’t have been out of place if he’d stripped naked and did the hula. “How did you---” 

“Oh, you’re giving the whole game away! You look like you dove face first in a bowl of strawberry bisque!” He began to pace, muttering to himself. “Let’s just forget the part where I suspected that it was my girlfriend you were into, and also the part before  _ that _ which doesn’t even _ need _ to be mentioned…” 

“Look, Fitzherbrat, I don’t know what kind of wild story you’ve cooked up in that empty skull of yours, but you’re not making any sense.” As though her bright red cheeks weren’t  _ right in front of his eyes. _ “Now, I’m going to--”

“Was Anne what you were dreaming about last night?” 

The last words had barely made it out of his mouth before she’d slammed both hands over them, hissing loudly. “Shut up shut up shut up!” 

“It was!” He chortled, prying her fingers away and dodging a kick to the knee. “You really like her!” 

“I do not!” 

“Oh, do so!” 

“No, I don’t!” Cassandra stomped on the ground like a kid. Eugene stroked his beard thoughtfully. 

“Does Rapunzel know? I’m guessing not, or she’d have stuck the two of you in a hot air balloon with a romantic picnic by now.” 

Geez, the force of her gritting teeth could have cracked glass. “It’s none of your business!”

Lowering his voice as a pair of old men walked by them and into the pub, Eugene retorted, “Could even your enemy just stand by to watch flirting that level of  _ deprimente _ ?!” 

A fist gripped his shirt, yanking him dangerously close to her furious scowl. 

“Was it really that bad?”

“Uh, yeah! You’re acting like you didn’t even want to be here!” He knew Cassandra was dense regarding social situations, but this was just sad. “What is she supposed to pick up from that?” 

If she considered him a friend, the warrior woman might have answered something along the lines of  _ that I’m super cool and unaffected but also totally hot.  _ But she didn’t, so instead she pushed him away and darted back into the pub, not waiting to see if he’d follow. 

“Eugene! Cass!” Rapunzel waved from a table squeezed in the back. Next to her, Lance wolfed down a sandwich the size of his head and width of Corona’s Official Tome of Rules and Regulations, of which Eugene was intimately familiar. And next to Lance was Anne, leaning against the wall in a way that seemed to highlight all the planes of her body, while light from the skylight hit her face just right to make her brown eyes glow. 

Cassandra stopped dead, meaning Eugene had to bump elbows with a chair to avoid running straight (heh) into her. Rubbing his arm, he sighed heavily. 

_ There’s no choice.  _

_ I’ve gotta help her out.  _

* * *

He had to wait almost half an hour for the rest of the table to scram -- Rapunzel ran across the restaurant to help a struggling women with too many babies and not enough hands, while Lance had been charmed by Rose to go look at some fancy cooking utensils or something, it didn’t matter -- before he could broach the subject to Cassandra again. 

“And what makes you think I want your help?” She drawled, brushing crumbs onto her now empty plate. 

_ Because you keep glancing over at Anne every thirty seconds as if she’ll disappear, and she’s been wiping the same spot on the counter for ten minutes hoping you’ll keep doing it.  _ “Because otherwise you might leave this pub with regrets.”

“What’s that to you?”

Eugene allowed one eyebrow to climb the expanse of his devilishly handsome forehead. “If you’re as obvious about heartbreak as you are about crushing on someone, then Rapunzel will definitely find out. She’ll make us turn the caravan around.” He shrugged with practiced nonchalance. “Ooh, maybe she’ll even script a flowery love poem for you. But, you know, if you just do things my way now...you’ll save us all quite a bit of time.” 

Cass’ face shifted through a truly impressive variety of expressions before she slammed both arms on the table in defeat. “Fine. You win.” 

His friendly slap on her back was immediately one of his biggest regrets; at least the floor where he landed appeared to be clean. 

* * *

“Now, if we had more time to work on the face, you’d be sure to close the deal. But time is against us, so we’ll just have to make do.” 

Cass frowned, about to retort, before he snapped, “Ah-ah!” 

With great effort and annoyance, she forced her features to soften. Eugene clasped both hands. “That’s it! Now, remember -- saunter, smolder, flaunt her, hold her.” 

“This is stupid. It’s not going to--” Her jaw snapped shut as Rapunzel bounded over, holding a serving tray with one hand and a clump of checks with the other. Pascal sat guard over tiny vials of honey, molasses, and butter in the front pocket of an apron she’d found somewhere.

“Cass, I’m so sorry! Rose said they were so busy today, and one of the waitresses quit an hour before we came in, and I just got carried away!” Allowing Eugene to free the tray from her grasp to set on the table, she offered a bright smile to her best friend. “We can leave in just a minute, I promise!” 

“Uh, that’s okay.” Cass waved both hands, unable to keep from glancing around the pub for a red dress. “Take all the time you want.” 

“Really? Are you sure?” Rapunzel’s eyes widened. Before Cassandra could say anything else, Eugene swept his girlfriend around, kissing her cheeks noisily. 

“Heyo, Grumpy Gal said yes, so get back to those tables, missy! Man, I love me a working woman!” 

“Eugene,” she giggled, returning a couple of his kisses. After mouthing a “thanks” at Cass over her shoulder, she hurried away. Eugene turned sharply on one heel to return to the table; Cassandra wondered why he could only be this smooth and efficient when unimportant shenanigans were involved. 

“Okay, that should give you at least an hour. Go!” Grabbing her by the shoulders, he spun her towards the bar. Cassandra had to put both arms out to brace herself before she could slam into the wood. Leaning over from the force of his shove, she found herself almost nose-to-nose with the reason for the day’s foolishness. 

“Anne.”

“Hi,” the other woman breathed. 

_ 1\. Saunter. _

Carefully enough not to seem like it was obvious, Cassandra adjusted herself into a comfortable position on the bar. Arms crossed to show off her biceps, of course. 

“Busy today, huh?” She tried to sound smooth, casual, like talking to Anne wasn’t flooding her memory with the dream she’d had last night. A dream that had involved that same glossy brown hair, sharp gaze, that soft smirk…

“Yeah. Princess Rapunzel’s being a big help.” Eyes met her own; the warmth in them felt like liquid gold slipping down her spine. “Lance too; he’s been helping Rose in the kitchen for a while.” 

“Lance in the kitchen,” Cassandra repeated. “That’s dangerous.” Ever so slightly, she pushed her shoulders back and rejoiced in the way Anne’s eyes drifted to the hollow of her throat. 

“Yeah.” The pub owner swallowed visibly. “But it’s appreciated. Honestly, Rose and I were excited you returned so quickly. Especially you.”

Anne grinned with a dazzling abandon. If she’d had poorer training, Cassandra might have stumbled.  _ Wow. Is that a-- _

_ 2\. Smolder. _

From where he was sitting, Eugene had to hold back an audible gasp. She wasn’t blushing, or giggling, or doing anything that he was used to girls doing when faced with Step One in his Four Steps for Foolproof plan he’d established early on in his romantic career... Instead, from where he was standing, Anne was flirting back. 

Blatantly. 

With a  _ smolder. _

“Oh, she’s in trouble.” 

He trained both eyes on Cassandra’s back, trying to send as much encouragement as possible through to her foolish, bad-at-flirting brain.  _ Come on, Cass. You can match her. So she’s hot, you’re--well, you can lift stuff, and Rapunzel likes you, and last week you beat Lance at poker so you have some stuff going for ya!  _

Cassandra breathed in, then out. The tension in between her eyes lifted; one hand slid across the table and landed on Anne’s wrist. To Eugene’s hardly-willing-to-believe-it eyes, two fingers gently flicked the edge of Anne’s sleeve as Cass smiled and replied, “Happy to be back.” 

Well, it wasn’t a smolder. But it still made him want to throw both arms in the air and cheer. 

At least, until Rapunzel leaned her chin on his shoulder and whispered, “Uh, what is Cass doing?” 

_ 3\. Flaunt her. _

The smile on Anne’s face faltered visibly as an older woman intruded on their moment at the counter, bag open as she scrounged for coins. Not only was Cass’ heart put into overdrive at the action-- _ she wants to keep talking to  _ **_me_ ** _ , she’s not just killing time-- _ she wasn’t much bothered, because this was the third part in her thief companion’s dumb-yet-somehow-kind-of-working-plan. 

“Did you enjoy your meal?” Anne said, reigning in an impressive amount of sharpness as she pulled her arm out of Cass’ reach. 

The woman plunked a handful of silver on the table, clueless to the moment she’d just interrupted. “Oh, yes. Everything was delicious. You girls certainly know your way around a summer soup...” 

“She’s very impressive, isn’t she?” Cass said, ignoring a crashing wave of anxiety to slide her hand back towards Anne’s wrist. The other woman blinked at her in surprise, then blushed. 

“Yes,” the customer agreed absently, now searching her bag for...something else that didn’t really matter in Cassandra’s opinion. 

“It’s a lot of work, but I haven’t heard a single complaint since I came in,” Cass added, wondering faintly if she was overdoing it. “I’m sure that takes a lot of talent…”

After a moment, she added in a slightly lower voice, “Does it--is it talent? I don’t know, I’ve never run a restaurant, I mean--I have this friend who owns a bakery, but I don’t think it’s the same--” 

“I’ll take talent,” Anne interrupted, sweeping the pile of coins into the fist of her free hand. Her eyes were so bright, she might as well have carried magic in them. Cass felt weak-kneed, but knew that Eugene would kill her if she pulled a chair over and ruined her ‘saunter’ (even though she wasn’t walking, just standing, so that was not the right word at all but apparently it was more of the “vibe” of things…) 

“Eugene, why is Cass looking at Anne like that?” Wondering if he’d heard her the first time, Rapunzel poked her boyfriend’s shoulder. She was hardly prepared for him to grab her hand and spin around, sending her into a twirl. The edge of her braid narrowly missed the leg of a table as he pulled her back towards him, chest to chest. 

“Sweetheart, you scared me! Ah, weren’t you just veeeeery busy being a waitress and thus not being at all aware of what Cassandra is doing? Not that she’s doing anything, hahaha!” 

“Well, I was, but I don’t have any more orders to take out from the kitchen. I sent Pascal to go see what else they needed me to do.” She leaned to one side to try and look around him at the front corner, but Eugene mirrored the movement to block her vision. Why was he acting so weird--was something bothering him? 

“Oh! Well, uh, hey! You know what we haven’t talked about in a while? You turning down my proposal!” 

As soon as he said it, he regretted it, but he had nothing else to work with! In any other emergency situation, he would have self-employed the Foolproof method; however, something he’d neglected to tell Cassandra was that he was in fact incapable of putting it into action with Rapunzel. She was just too darn cute--even now, the blush creeping over her nose freckles was so adorable he wanted to squeeze her. 

“You want to talk about  _ that  _ now?” Rapunzel bit her bottom lip and tilted her head, and he resisted the urge to turn into a pile of very guilty, very lovesick man-goo. 

“Why not, it’s not like anything else of interest is happening! Come on, outside, out-side!” Gosh, he hated leaving before Cass’ big gay finale, but there was no other way to make sure Rapunzel was distracted long enough for her to close the deal.

_ 4\. Hold her.  _

The fourth part was probably the stupidest part of Eugene’s method, because it kind of required them not to have a counter between them. Granted, the thief had claimed “holding her  _ physically  _ is the obvious approach for a beginner, but holding her  _ emotionally,  _ aka holding her heart, is also a fun yet much more dangerous way to look at it--” 

Oh, great. Now the voice cheering her on in her own freaking head sounded like him. 

Tilting her head, Cass steeled herself for the very probable rejection she was about to receive. “Hey, uh, do you maybe want to take a brea--”

“Yes.” Before the final word had even left Cassandra’s lips, Anne had tossed the handful of coins into a jar behind the counter and flipped a ‘Ten Minute Break’ sign up onto the counter. “Come with me.” 

Bracing both hands over the counter, she hopped over the wooden surface, red skirts billowing. Then she and Cass were arm in arm, and the warrior was being dragged to a small side door in the left wall that said “Delivery Exit.” 

* * *

Rapunzel followed her boyfriend to the front of the restaurant, stopping to hold the door for a woman struggling with her big purse (a great excuse to gather her thoughts).

Eugene was sweating a lot, which he usually only did when he was hiding something and then was all stressed out about hiding it. But of  _ course  _ he was stressed--how long had he been agonizing over the pain of her rejection? She’d thought they’d dealt with it already, but maybe something recently had brought his hurt feelings all back up again. Maybe Cass or Lance had commented on it, or perhaps it had been the “Lovers For Ever” sandwich-for-two on Rose and Anne’s menu…

“Eugene--” she started, only for him to swerve to the right, heading towards the back of the building where the kitchen was located. “Um, I thought you wanted to talk about  _ us _ ?” 

He would have, except he had no idea how to improv a serious conversation like this. Luckily, Rapunzel had given him a perfectly good excuse to employ. 

“I did, you are right, I did say that. However, how could we ever have this very delicate discussion without Pascal? I mean, if we’re talking about the future, we can’t leave him out! ‘Us’ equals a trio, amore mio!” 

“I...suppose you’re right…” Rapunzel felt very confused, and what was even _ more  _ confusing was the fact that Eugene was usually helping her figure things out, not making it worse. When they reached the kitchen’s back door, Eugene tapped loudly on the door before flinging it open. 

“Helloooo, little froggy friend, we have a serious conversation to have so just let us insi-aiyiyi!” 

Rapunzel gasped, covering her mouth with both hands. Standing in between the stove and sandwich-assembly counter were Lance and Rose. Both were covered head to toe in flour (except suspiciously where their faces would have been pressed together if the two had been embracing), and in between Lance’s forefinger and thumb drooped Rapunzel’s beloved animal companion, green skin turned a powdery white. 

“Pascal!” Stepping into the kitchen, the princess pressed both palms together and reached out for her friend. Lance sniffed before sneezing loudly, sending a puff of flour coating Eugene’s front. 

“Aw, dangit!” 

“We’d just started on the pie, when he startled us,” Rose said to Rapunzel, pointing at Pascal. Even beneath the coating of white, her face was red. “Then I guess we startled him, too, and now my kitchen’s a mess.” 

“I’m  _ really  _ sorry! Let us help you clean up!” Putting Pascal back into the pocket of her apron, Rapunzel twisted her hair into a huge bun at the crown of her head. “Do you have a mop? Or maybe several mops?” 

Swiping uselessly at his shirt, the former thief turned to Lance and sighed, “Well, it seems that the food isn’t the only thing that you like about this place,  _ sir _ .” 

“I do not know what you’re talking about,” Lance retorted, looking anywhere except his friend’s suspicious gaze. 

* * *

It took a good hour and a half to fully clean the kitchen, and by the time they made it back to the caravan, Eugene was practically pulling his incredibly healthy and shiny hair out with worry for Cassandra. What if she’d chickened out? What if she’d panicked during the fourth and final phase and freaked Anne out, and now they were banned for life from the Rubba-Dub-Pub never to have pecan pie again?! 

“Cass!” Rapunzel’s face brightened from even more than its usual glow. She threw both arms out in preparation for a hug. “There you are!” 

“Showin’ up  _ after _ we all finish cleaning,” Lance muttered, crossing both arms over his chest. “So uncool.” 

“Hey, guys.” Cass’ expression looked far too normal (if less grouchy) for him to discern anything. Eugene waited until their companions went to collect Max and Fidella from a nearby field, then bumped the warrior with his shoulder. 

“Well? How did it go?” 

Cass’s calm demeanor melted into an expression that, if she were a normal person and not a fun-sucking rules-demon, he might have called lovesick. “We sang a duet. Did you know she can sing a high C? She can hit a high C.” 

“Oh...kay, so I guess it was good?” He gave her two thumbs up, which she returned excitedly. “Great! So.” Bracing his elbow on the side of the caravan, he waggled his perfectly sculpted eyebrows. “Is there something you wanna say?” 

Cassandra blinked at him slowly. “Uh, I told her that I’d try to see her on our way back from our mission--”

“No, no, no, not to Anne! I mean to me. Yaknow, something that begins with ‘thanks’, and ends with ‘Undisputable King Of Romance?’ Ooh, or how about ‘thank you, Mr. Meet-Your- _ Match _ maker?’”

Rolling her eyes, Cass had just enough presence of mind to stop her punching arm from striking out in reflex. “So your advice wasn’t as terrible as expected. And I guess it did help. A little.” 

“Well, that doesn’t sound anything like what I said, but I will take it!” He moved to punch her shoulder before remembering just in time how she’d kicked his feet out from under him after the back-slap. Unfortunately, changing course meant his hand collided solidly with the wall of the caravan. “Ow!  _ Son of a--” _

“Eugene! Are you okay?!” Dropping Fidella’s reigns, Rapunzel raced over to the two of them. Cradling her boyfriend’s rapidly swelling knuckles, she sighed, “Poor thing…”

“Swung at a bug and missed,” he choked out weakly through tears. Pascal crawled out from behind her braid and patted his thumb sympathetically. 

“You should help him wrap that up,” Cass said, flicking her hair out of her eyes casually. “Lance and I will finish hitching the horses and get this on the road.” 

“I have some bandages inside. And a magnifying glass, to check for splinters.” Rapunzel tilted Eugene’s hand, squinting at the wound with one eye closed. “It’s too bad my hair doesn’t still do it’s thing, or else we’d have this fixed in a jiff…” 

Then, the realization hit, and she twisted around to look at Cassandra in shock. “Wait, you’re saying we should be by ourselves? All alone?” 

Usually (and this was  _ not  _ a criticism, it was simply a fact, just like how she loved Cassandra very much and they were best friends was also a fact) the other woman made every attempt to intrude on her and Eugene. Especially with something as romantic as holding hands, and tending wounds! 

Cassandra shrugged. “It’s not a big deal; I’m sure he can control himself for twenty minutes, at the least.” 

Eugene pressed his good hand to his heart. “Sass-a-Cass, I don’t know what to say.” 

“Saying nothing is fine,” she snapped back. Annnnd there went the blush again--maybe someday, they’d be close enough to something resembling friends that he could tease her about it. But for now, he simply followed his girlfriend into the caravan.

Rapunzel was as careful and attentive as she ever was, cleaning and wrapping his injured hand. It was nice to have this moment without their bickery companions around--domestic, he supposed was a good word for it. Gosh, Eugene couldn’t wait to have more of  _ that _ , after their quest was over and her hair was back to normal. 

“Eugene,” Rapunzel said, immediately drawing his attention, “Can I ask you a question? Rose asked me something right before we left, and I didn’t want to be rude by asking her to explain it.”

“Of course, sunshine. Although, if it’s food-related, then I’m sure Lancey-boy might be a better person to ask.” Even someone with Eugene’s level of self-confidence was wise enough to admit he wasn’t an expert on  _ everything.  _ That being said, he hoped it was something he knew about, and had nothing to do with his failed proposal. 

_ Please, please let her forget that I said I wanted to talk about that... _

“I’m not really sure if it’s cooking or not.” She flipped her braid behind her, letting Pascal scurry into her lap. Petting his head gently, she blinked big green eyes at her boyfriend and said slowly, “What’s a lesbian?” 

His brain short-circuited. 

Then--and he was ashamed of himself for this, make no mistake--the honey-sweet words that came out of his mouth were, “You know who you should ask?” 


End file.
